Leadership Development, Business Strategy and Effective Communication Case Study

The Client

Francesca, a seasoned executive with a young family, was trapped in the relentless pursuit of perfection. This "perfectionist" label manifested in a constant struggle with self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy both at work and home. She found herself stuck in a self-fulfilling prophecy of never living up to her own expectations, often feeling overwhelmed and uncertain about her ability to effect change.

The Challenge

Francesca, a seasoned executive with a young family, was trapped in the relentless pursuit of perfection. This "perfectionist" label manifested in a constant struggle with self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy both at work and home. She found herself stuck in a self-fulfilling prophecy of never living up to her own expectations, often feeling overwhelmed and uncertain about her ability to effect change.

SKYL’s Strategy

Together with Francesca, we initiated a process of breaking the impostor cycle. Our approach was multilayered:

1. Creating Self-Awareness: We started by raising Francesca’s consciousness about her self-talk and the frequency of the "You’re not good enough" narrative that ran in her mind daily.
2. Reframing Inner Dialogue: Instead of accepting general negative statements from her inner critic, Francesca learned to respond with specific, targeted questions. These queries prompted her to consider situations realistically and opened her mind to constructive answers, allowing her to set realistic expectations.
3. Goal Setting: Together, we identified Francesca’s short- and long-term goals, which included stepping confidently into a boardroom and earning a promotion. By breaking down each goal, we helped Francesca learn how to manage setbacks, celebrate small victories, embrace discomfort, and periodically reevaluate her expectations.

Results

Through continuous effort and adaptation, Francesca's relationship with perfectionism began to shift. She woke up less burdened by her inner critic and more in tune with her capabilities, thus starting her day on a better note. Francesca started setting realistic expectations, and by reframing her inner dialogue, she started to see her strengths clearly and feel less overwhelmed. The transformation allowed her to break free from the self-imposed shackles of perfectionism, stepping confidently towards her goals and potential.

Excerpt from the book, Speak Kindly, You're Listening, by: Dr. Jessica Metcalfe

Francesca, a client of mine, is a company executive who manages a small team and calls herself a perfectionist. She has years of work experience, a young family, and a three-year-old child. The first time I hopped on a call with Francesca, her voice was sweet and delicate, yet mighty.

I could hear her internal struggle: “I’ve tried everything and I just can’t seem to get anything right. Why can’t I do it perfect?”

One thing she had no doubt about in her mind was that she was a good mom—a tired mom, but a good mom. “I never have enough energy at the end of the day. When I get home, the little energy I do have, I spend complaining to my husband about work and how nothing went according to my plan. I see the frustration in his face because he keeps hearing the same story over and over.” Francesca took a deep, exhausted breath. “I feel like I’m going in circles. I know I need to make a change but I don’t know what it is, and that makes me feel overwhelmed. So then nothing changes.”

This was becoming all too familiar. Client after client shared the same thoughts. They felt stuck, overwhelmed, and kept going in circles, expecting a change. The people they would confide in would tell them, “Keep going, it gets better.” But all my clients questioned, “It gets better? How is it going to get better?”

With disappointment in their voices, my clients have said, “I can’t keep living like this.” What they didn’t realize was they could control how they choose to speak to themselves.

Francesca’s inner critic intensified how she was feeling. That voice had convinced her she should stay unhappy, stressed, and stuck because that’s what she deserved because she couldn’t reach perfection.

Together, Francesca and I started right at the beginning of the impostor cycle and began with creating self-awareness around how she chose to speak to herself. She was shocked with the number of times she heard herself say, “You’re not good enough,” in a day.

When she woke up, she would sit with her coffee, imagining how the day would unfold: You know you’re going to be too slow or make a mistake.

When she got to work: You’re such a burden to the team.

On the drive home: You didn’t do enough today.

Francesca wanted perfection in everything she did, and when she felt like it wasn’t enough, or it wasn’t perfect, her inner critic reminded her that she wasn’t enough.

After creating self-awareness, Francesca started to untangle her FF response. She found understanding her bodyset the easy part. She told me, “It makes me feel like shit. I feel like an elephant is crushing me and I’m only just trying to breathe. When the elephant sits on my chest, my inner critic pops up and solidifies my initial thought.”

She was now aware of what she said to herself but it was her inner critic that made her feel like a constant, imperfect burden. It didn’t matter if the people around her complimented her, because the thought was fleeting. It was easier to consider, I’m not good enough, not perfect enough, for this job.

When I asked Francesca why she thought she wasn’t good enough for the job, she responded, “I just feel it. I know it.”

I reminded Francesca that this was the feedback loop confirming suspicions about herself. The next step to breaking down the impostor cycle was to ask her inner critic specific and reasonable questions related to the challenge or project. Asking questions redirects your inner voice from shouting generalized statements like I suck, I’ll never be good enough, I shouldn’t be the one to do this, or I’m a fake.

Specific questions are critical to allow your mind to find fundamental answers, and the initial questions usually generate a set of sequential questions allowing you to explore further. Below is a list of sequential questions that can pop up if you are getting ready for that presentation, pitch, writing a book, job interview, difficult conversation, or any other situation that comes to mind. Instead of declaring the words I’m going to suck, substitute it for a relevant question and then answer it.

Reframing the generalized statement to a question allows your mind to settle because you gave it the opportunity to find an answer. Your mind is always searching for answers to the questions you give it, and the number of questions you ask yourself on any given day is plentiful. Whether it is asking what you are going to eat next or what investment you should make, your mind constantly ponders. It is when you find an answer that you give your mind permission to calm itself.8 In general, your mind can think clearer when in a state of calm or neutral.

Now let’s take this one step further and ask yourself, why do you really think you are not good enough? A part of you, your subconscious and your inner voice, knows what it really wants to ask but is too afraid to bring it forward. What you really want to ask yourself is, “How do I not suck, so I don’t feel embarrassed or look stupid?” Am I right?

That inner voice is trying to convince you that feeling shame or embarrassment is bad and that you should avoid it at all costs. It tries to protect you but in a very convoluted way. So, you keep yourself stuck and avoid taking risks, avoid the possibility of stepping into what you are truly capable of, which is extraordinary awesomeness . . . if only you believed it.

Francesca started to reframe from generalized statements to specific questions. She noticed a change when her inner critic greeted her in the morning. Instead of immediately waking up and condemning herself before the day started, she was able to analyze what she was questioning and remind herself of her capabilities. This allowed her brain to calm down and start the day on a better note. This was a crucial step to harnessing her drive for perfection.

The drive for perfection becomes reinforced by setting unrealistic expectations. If it’s not perfect, then it’s a failure. It turns into a habit when you set unrealistic expectations and always assume you will never live up to them. Before you start anything, you convince yourself you won’t be good enough. For high achievers, answering your thoughtful questions allows you to set realistic expectations.

You would think that if you set unrealistic expectations and meet them, then you would feel successful. However, when you are stuck in the impostor cycle, it isn’t enough to reach those perfect unrealistic expectations. It is easier to condemn yourself for not raising the bar high enough. No matter the expectation, subconsciously you have already failed before even starting.

To set realistic expectations, Francesca and I looked at short- and long-term goals she wanted to achieve: stepping into a board room with confidence and getting promoted. We were then able to break down each goal to set realistic expectations. We designed a plan that looked at how to deal with setbacks, how to step into small successes, how to embrace discomfort, and when to reevaluate the expectations. It was no longer sufficient to rely on a feeling, because that feeling was being confused by her flight or fight response and inner critic.

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